Popcorn at the office

Why is it that when someone in the office makes a bag of microwave popcorn, everybody comes out of the freaking woodwork to hover, smell and expect a free sample of the popcorn.

I don't know about anyone else, but I can easily put away a bag of microwave popcorn in one sitting by my self. I don't need help. Thanks, but I think I've got this one.

I mean... nobody seems to be this interested in helping me out when my phone bill arrives. Or when I have to bathe my dog. My neighbors don't come running out their front doors the second I fire up my lawn mower.

It's not even like that with other food... I mean... If I come back from Taco Bell with a burrito, there aren't people just showing up asking for a bite... The only other food I can think of where this sometimes applies is pizza. Some group or team in the office has a pizza party and they leave the half-eaten pizza carcasses with their coagulated cheese and dessicated sauce in the breakroom for the vultures and hyenas... the scavengers... and they come... out of nowhere, they come. You could be walking past the breakroom on your way to the copier... see the cold pizza and be like, "Oooooh!". Get back from the copier 15 seconds later... Not only did someone eat the pizza, someone ate the box.

So... just a heads up. If you see me with popcorn, remember this: If I'm feeling generous and not intent on eating the whole bag, I will offer popcorn to others in the office before I return to my desk and begin eating the popcorn directly from the bag with my grubby bear paws. If my grubby bear paw has been in the bag, the bag and its contents are mine. Fuck off.

And the whole "hand in the popcorn bag" thing raises another office-sociology issue. I mean, what we're talking about is cooties... and that's really what we're talking about, here... cooties... germs.. communicable disease... Life is a dirty business. I mean... come on. We manufacture shit. That is the principal day-to-day purpose of our bodies. Bringing in raw materials.. food... and manufacturing a product... shit. Now, in the process of manufacturing shit.. good, quality shit, our bodies depend on some unsavory characters. These are actors which, as long as they remain contained in your lower intestine, everything is blanced and peaceful, but if they ever found their way to the input end of your digestive tract, they'd kill you. I mean, it's almost like the auto industry depending on the labor unions... but... OK... that was unfair... it's like... ordinary citizens depending on businessmen. There. That's fair.

So cooties.. I've worked in places where there were people who were so freaked out by cooties that they kept a bottle of hand sanitizer at their desks at all times.... and used it. A lot. I mean.. lotion, I can understand... especially when the air is really dry. ...and hand sanitizer is great... if you work in a restaurant or a hospital... but we're talking about the typical office environment. Ordinary cooties and ordinary ideas are meant to be exchanged freely in an office. Keep your radical shit to yourself. If you're sick... or innovative... stay home.

I worked at this one place where we had, as you might imagine, a water cooler. Now many of the people in the office had taken to refilling water bottles from the cooler, 'cause the little cups are freaking useless. When are water cooler vendors going to realize that a one-ounce serving is great for gin... or mouthwash. Water? 16 ounces, minimum. Hence the bottles.

Now it just so happens that the spigot on your typical water cooler fits perfectly into the mouth of your typical waterbottle, such that you can one-handedly hold the bottle and operate the valve... leaving the other hand free to gesture... pick your nose... or force popcorn into your mouth.

Now our own personal Howard Hughes decided to complain about this practice, as it is a vector for germs. Not only to the one or two people he had seen refilling their waterbottles in this way. He chose not to complain to all the people in his own office. No. He felt this was a crisis worthy of company-wide notification. I mean he actually used the "all" email alias. All@thecompany.com. Wow. And it was an email written in a rather urgent and stern tone.... like this was the one issue that threatened the moral and social fabric of America and he was taking a stand.

I saw this email and literally fell out of my chair. It's like... "Could you please keep your paranoid hypochondria to yourself?" I mean, sure, he has a point. Germs... in the mouth... I mean Listerine has been telling us this for decades... Listerine kills the germs that cause bad breath, plaque and the gum disease gingivitis. That hasn't stopped people from kissing, has it? No. Even people who don't use Listerine kiss. In fact, there are people who engage in... and I'm sure I'm not surprising most people here... analingus. The tickling with the tongue of someone's bunghole. ... and then kiss. As you may recall, the bunghole is the output end of the assembly line in the shit factory, and the shit factory employs some pretty scary characters. Now, we may have had some of those folks at the office... There's probably at least one person in any office of ten or more people who has either done it or had it done to them at least once.... but... they're still walking around. I mean it hasn't killed them. And honestly... your immune system is like any other part of your body. If you don't use it, it'll atrophy ... go to waste ... possibly fall off. Now if there's one thing you really need... it's your immune system. You've got spare eyes, ears, kidneys, ovaries, testicles, lungs, veins, arteries, adrenal glands, nostrils... people live perfectly ordinary lives with no spleen. Your brain has so much extra capacity that half ... granted, a carefully selected half... of it can be removed and you could recover and resume your life. If your immune system hits the skids, it's just a matter of time before you... y'know... go to the mall... no.. that's not it... die. Yeah. Die. ..and not a long time... weeks, tops.

Of course, there's the other side of exercise.. as anyone who has played sports with any regularity can tell you: Nothing lasts forever. Knees, hearts, kidneys, Tinker Toys... eventually they wear out. Anyone with an old computer keyboard and at least the powers of observation of the typical Fox News devotee can tell you that the stuff you use regularly wears first. Now some people go out of their way to preserve parts of themselves by not using those parts... knees, hips, eyes... brains... in the hopes of extending their lives. Let me tell you something. If you get sixty good years out of your body and your mind, your doing pretty good. I think if you made it to 60, it's time to really start engaging in some risky behavior. Stop wearing condoms, for crying out loud and enjoy sex for once. Drive fast. Eat cake. Drink too much.. well... I guess old people really don't need too much encouragement in this area... but if you're 65 and you've never smoked pot, it's time you tried it. Too many people spend their last years in fear of doing things that might injure or kill them. What the fuck is that?! Live it up! If ever there was a time in your life when you COULD enjoy yourself, this would be it. At 65, your level of responsability should be at the lowest level it has ever been in your adult life... and if it's not, maybe you should just kill yourself. It's time others learned to stop depending on you. You won't be around forever. You're too busy having unprotected sex, driving too fast, smoking pot and skydiving.

Life is a messy business and you will get dirty. Life is also a temporary condition. You will die. I think once Admiral Antiseptic gets his head around those two ideas and really comes to terms with them, he'll be much happier, because he'll be less worried.